Saturday, November 27, 2010

UPed and Uped

s xr from 150, to 200, to 300... Three more days of the 200, then up again....then I'm "normal" as I can get for the moment...I feel a little better in that prospect now...but now I'm worried that I'm struggling with an unconscious case or in I feel fat, so I tel myself I'm not hungry...even if I am. All I have had to eat today is a few fries and half a chicken sandwich from Braum's...and I think of food and it just makes me so nauseous. It seems so stupid, but hey, I wouldn't put anything past me. I feel like crap....ugh my tummy hurts.

Christmas coming up and I dread the remembrance of disaster. My last SEVERE breakdown, on the 24th of last year....But me and my lover got a real living tree and are working on getting it all fixed up :) I've never had a tree before that didn't come in pre-lit pieces in a cardboard box...

I hope for the best this year...not repetition.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Living with life...

When I was much younger I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder.
I have seen more than half a dozen different psychiatrists and most of them have been uninterested in me and what I have to say and just write me another prescription then send me on my way. It's actually made me want to be a Councilor, who would specialize in Bipolar 1 Disorder and other similar mood disorders. But I don't see how I could do this without overcoming my own problems. With Bipolar 1 Disorder comes many nasty side effects. More so than the more common Bipolar 2...My mood swings are very rapid, I can sometimes go between my mania and depression not only several times a day, but if worked up, several times within just one hour. Bipolar mania is more comfortable to me than the depression, as long as no one does anything that might set me off. My mania begins with me in an overly excited, super happy, or hyper stage, where I will be loud and some say, fun to be around...unfortunately mania has it's darker side. Rage, anger, tantrums. If I have what I call a "breakdown" it usually starts with my depression making me feel sad and act pitiful, but then if I don't get the attention I feel I need, I will go into a rage, I will be unreasonably pissed off! Or I could even start out feeling fine, and snap as a reaction of being insulted. I get where I loose complete control of what I am doing and what is going on. I have been so crazy as to throw hard and breakable objects at my fiance' and hit him, slap him, or attempt to beat him with objects such as a brush or an old crutch. I will slam doors in his face and try to lock myself in the bathroom. Then I go immediately into a deep deep depression where in which I feel awful for yelling and hurting him, and then feel like I deserve to die for acting so horribly. And what is really awful is that it has been happening more and more often. He knows that I get like this and tries his best to deal with me, but the worst of it all, is he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Which my personal belief is that he has a more mild form of Bipolar Disorder than me, Bipolar 2. And even if we can find a way to manage with each others problems, then chances of having a child that will be Bipolar if just ONE parent is Bipolar is extremely high, and the chances if both parents have just a mood disorder, it's even higher. So I fear it is almost inevitable that our future children will have to suffer through then same misery as us.
With my depression I sometimes get where I won't get out of bed, I won't go outside, play with our dogs, even answer my phone. I feel worthless and ugly and horrible and stupid! I just wish that something would happen where I could die. I feel even worse when I wish my death, and then the more I think the worse I feel for I am to much of a coward to ever do anything that could end my life. And I feel so utterly alone. I feel like I have no friends or family, that my fiance' is all I have and that he would be better off without me. My sisters just seem stupid, my mother is a bitch, I couldn't speak with my father for I would disappoint him, and my grandmother is the single most annoying person on the planet! I have few friends and they all live far away, and are usually caught up with school, college, or family...or their other friends. And I couldn't begin to poor out onto my fiance' for I might just make him feel worse or cause him to have a panic attack.
I'm medicated at all times, but whatever medication I'm on seems to only last for so long before my problems start to act up horribly again. Then I just get them increased and it goes on and on...I'm starting to think I might just be getting more and more crazy, just since the meds keep going up it covers it. And then what would I do if I got pregnant? I know I can't stay on my medication in such an event...not without horrible birth defects and problems for the baby. And I take my birth control, always...but nothing is 100% effective.
I've gotten where I worry about things endlessly. Even the unnecessary things. It's just so stressful. I can't even breathe.
I just don't know what to do anymore...
Living with life is very difficult.